Fears (CD 12)

Now that I know where the problem is stemming from and that pregnancy might be in my near future I am starting to get scared about the actual pregnancy. I read somewhere once that having a child is like taking your heart and putting it on the outside of your body. I've thought about that a lot and I hope I am ready for it. I'm not scared about the baby part or the birth part or even the pregnancy part (although I know I will be later!); I'm scared about losing a pregnancy. After over a year of trying to get pregnant and never seeing the faintest pink line, what happens if *IT* happens and I lose it? I think I've been hoping so much to just *get* pregnant that I haven't been thinking about the whole *staying pregnant* issue. I'm afraid that my body doesn't want a baby or won't be able to keep it and nurture it. I know that most miscarriages are due to the baby not being healthy enough to survive but my fear is that my body isn't healthy enough to keep a baby.

Lame (CD 12)

James' conversation with the doctor yesterday:
Doctor: So, Kathleen doesn't drink much does she?
James: Uh.... no... just socially occasionally...

Yeah right! How are you supposed to get through the disappointment and let down every month (not to mention a bloody hot summer!) without wine coolers? I've known all along that I should quit the drink in order for my conception chances to increase but I was reading yesterday that even 2-4 drinks/week can affect fertility and take a year longer to get pregnant! WTF! Ugh.... I knew I'd quit drinking the second I found out I was pregnant but do I have to give it up so soon?

Good News (CD 11)

James got his test results back and we finally have some answers! Apparently he has an above average amount of not good sperm (aka 2 heads, 2 tails, whatever...) and a below average amount of good sperm (aka super-awesome-baby-making). Yeah, that's bad news. The good news is that he has a way above average amount of sperm (and spunk in general, apparently the doctor was impressed). It looks like the retarded sperm are getting in the way of the super-sperm and that is why we're not getting pregnant. We still don't have my results back but since the specialist didn't call me I'm taking that as good news. James has a prescription for 2 weeks to see if that helps at all (not quite sure what it's for) and then he has to get a second analysis done and see if there's an improvement. I don't know what the next step is after that but the doctor seems hopeful that there is a bunch of really good sperm hidden in there if we have to do an IUI in the future. Woo hoo!

Silly Boys (CD 10)

James thinks I got pregnant last night. I tried to explain to him that for a woman with a 30-33 day cycle who usually ovulates between CD17 and CD20 that intercourse on CD9 is most likely just recreational/practice. He doesn't care. He's convinced. I don't agree with him but I like his confidence. He said, "we can still have sex every other day until you ovulate and then after you ovulate but it doesn't matter -- you're pregnant". His confidence gives me strength. I love him so much. xo
ps: I knew it was too early but I took an ovulation test anyways. It was negative. But I love to see the pale blue line slowly build throughout the beginning of my cycle until the monstrously triumphant bright blue surge on Ovulation Day. I'm happy to know that I ovulate. Makes me feel proud that I'm doing something right.

Is it wrong that I wish I was 8 months pregnant already so I could go on maternity leave and quit my job? Hmm..... not the best intentions for baby-making. I want to be a housewife.

Blah.... (CD6)

Is it seriously only cycle day 6??? It's too early for baby-making sex and too early to start my Ovulation Test strips. Trying to make a baby takes a whole lot of waiting and frustration.

As a bonus though we have the house to ourselves tonight, a case of Bud Light Lime, and I'm feeling a little frisky. Happy Birthday Eve James!

Grrrrrr!!! (CD 5)

James got a call this morning from the specialist. They got his semen analysis results and want to set up an appointment with him.... IN SEPTEMBER!!! Are you serious? They're going on holiday tomorrow and the next appointment is for September 3 so we are supposed to wait out the rest of the summer for results. They of course aren't permitted to share test results over the phone (it's a law in Canada, not sure about elsewhere) and since they're not open until the end of August there's no chance of getting in sooner.
Then I had an epiphany. When I went to get a prescription filled at my doctor (my GP) the other day he had my test results from my CD21 bloodwork and was able to share them with me. Conveniently James and I share a doctor (by coincidence, apparently it was meant to be!) so I knew that he would be able to get the results as well. James called our doctor and has an appointment set up for next Wednesday -- way better than September!
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to find out. It's possible that his sperm is perfect and ready to go and make a baby but I think most likely there is a problem and that is why he needs his own appointment with my OB/GYN. Part of me is secretly wishing that the problem lies with James' sperm and that my body is perfectly healthy and ready to make a baby. Is that horrible? I suppose that it all works out to be the same but I just want some relief from the betrayal of my body that I have been feeling. I think also, that if the problem does lie with James that our chances of conceiving through some other means (most likely IUI or as a last result with donor sperm) will be higher. Or maybe I'm just a selfish bitch who is holding on to the chance that my body is ok and that I will never have to use a donor egg or a surrogate. Hmmm... lots to think about over the next week. xo

"A Little Pregnant" {no not me!!} (CD 4)

Nothing new or exciting today except that I started reading A Little Pregnant last night. What a fabulous blog. I adore her totally inappropriate humour. Sometimes that's the only way you can deal with disappointment. I'm not at the point where I have tried IUI or IVF but if/when I do I'm glad that I have her blog to read.
James started (and is 1/2 way through!) The Conception Chronicles. I'm so proud of him. I wanted him to get a better grasp of how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way and now he's a little closer to understanding the betrayal and disappointment I feel with my body and myself.

Testing Testing... (CD 3)

I had my Cycle Day 3 tests done today (FSH, Estrogen, LH and some other stuff I have no idea what it does). Nothing too horrific. I love tattoos but damn I hate needles. I have a nice bruise forming on my arm thanks to my mum's blood disorder but besides that all was well. I had my CD 21 tests done last cycle and it turns out that I am in fact ovulating so that was pretty great news. James went in for his "donation" yesterday so I guess we'll hear about that pretty soon as well. My HSG has been post-poned until at least the end of August because my doctor is going on vacation! Grrr!!! I hate to wait. If I'm going to have to go on any medications or have treatments of any kind, I'd like to get going on them as soon as possible. I'm not getting any younger here and I'm just getting more anxious!
I finished reading The Conception Chronicles this evening. I would highly recommend this book to any woman experiencing difficulty conceiving. I was starting to feel like I was really alone and that I was losing my mind but this book really brought my feelings and experiences all together with a whole lot of humour thrown in. Thanks ladies for helping me regain my sanity. It was partly thanks to this book that I decided to start chronicling my adventures in baby making. Already I feel better having just written 2 blogs. Even if no one ever reads them I feel so much better just getting it all out and sharing it.


I was in a shop yesterday (Dragonspace on Granville Island in Vancouver) and I came across this picture. I swear that it is my baby. I have had this image in my mind of what my girl will look like and this is her (I already have 2 step-sons so I'm hoping for a girl). I know that sounds crazy but she looks like a combination of me and my youngest step-son. Crazy yeah, but also something to hold on to. I am happy when I look at her and I feel like she is a little more real. Maybe she won't look like that but when the time comes it won't matter. This image is helping me through it by being there with me and I love her. xo

The Middle of the Beginning (CD 2)

I thought it was about time I had somewhere to chronicle my baby-seeking ventures. I am 28 years old and my husband (38) and I have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for the past year. Ah yes.... the big "TTC for a Year" marker that I hoped I would never reach. All the get pregnant/fertility books list infertility as "the inability to get pregnant after a year of unprotected sex" so I have now reached that point. We finally had an appointment with a specialist and have started our testing so we are now on the next step of our journey. I don't need any judgment here, I'm not perfect. I am doing my best though and I need somewhere to get everything out so that I can stop driving my friends crazy. xo