Sunday, December 20, 2009


I've been feeling the first kicks for a few days now (Dec 17th was the first time!). It is seriously the most awesome thing ever!!! I keep thinking my tummy is about to rumble but then I realize it's her saying "hey mama!". So cool. So very cool.

We've had a rough couple days. One of my wisdom teeth decided it needed to remind me who is boss so it pushed itself up and is pushing all of my other teeth out of the way. It is also infected. This is something I should have dealt with a long time ago, and certainly before I got pregnant but I am a huge procrastinator and was hoping it would behave for 9 months (stupid me!). I was in so much pain the other night that I laid in bed for an hour sobbing until James finally told me I needed to go to the hospital. The doctor couldn't really do much except tell me I couldn't take Advil (boo!) but that I could take Morphine for a couple days until I could get into a dentist. I only ended up needing the morphine that night and have been saving the rest in case it gets really bad again. I haven't been able to get a dentist appointment (yeah.... not a whole lot of options the week of Christmas) but I am hoping for the best. Hopefully the penicillin will do its job and I can deal with my evil teeth in the new year.

On better baby news, we have decided to definitely get the 3D ultrasound done. Our appointment is February 3 in Victoria. My friend and her baby are going to come over from Vancouver and my mum is going to come down with us as well. I can't wait!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Healthy but Shy (20 weeks, 5 days)

I went for my 20 week ultrasound on Friday, Dec 11. It was pretty damn awesome! The baby slept through most of the exam but then the technician poked her to wake her up and she went crazy!! It was the coolest thing ever -- head was shaking, fists were pumping, and legs were kicking. She was not impressed to be woken up at all! That's mama's baby for sure.

The great news is that everything is growing where it should be and at the right pace. Her heart has all of its chambers and valves and her other organs are all in place as well. I'm pretty sure I saw at least 30 toes but the technician was comfortable with what she saw so I'm assuming I'm wrong.

Yes, I am calling the Fledgling "her". We had hoped to be able to confirm the baby's sex at the ultrasound but she was being shy or just naughty. There was a foot in the way for most of the pictures (but a pretty little foot indeed). The technician tried numerous angles but the precious gems eluded us no matter what. There was definitely nothing dangling down in any of the pix however. James took this to mean that it is a girl to which the technician agreed was a fair assumption. So I am going to call the baby a girl until I find out otherwise. Long before I even got pregnant we referred to our eventual baby as a girl anyways so it's only been since I was actually pregnant that I even considered it would be a boy!

James and I agreed that we can't wait another 20 weeks to find out what the Fledgling is so we are going to shell out the $150 to get the 3D ultrasound done. I have an appointment for February 3rd which seems forever away, but it is sooner than May 1 (my due date) so I think I can hang in there. Besides getting the ultrasound done for my own satisfaction, I think it will be really cool for the Fledgling to see herself moving around inside my tummy when she gets older. I know that I would certainly love to have something like that of myself and my mum so I can only hope my baby will as well.

Friday, December 4, 2009

In the Middle (18 weeks, 6 days)

Not much new or exciting in baby world. Just some waiting. I am starting to really look pregnant (although sometimes I think I just look fat) and getting all sorts of attention directed towards my tummy. I am almost 19 weeks and am anxiously anticipating feeling the baby moving soon. I have felt lots of uncomfortable stretching of my uterus but even that makes me happy because it is another physical reminder of the baby in me (although I could have done without the pain and necessity of a hot water bottle the other night!).

I had a midwife appointment last week. James was off work so he was able to come with me and meet the midwife. He was so excited and asking all sorts of questions -- totally adorable! We got to hear the Fledgling's heartbeat again which is always so awesome. James was totally invigorated after hearing it and said he wanted to go out and build something for the babe.

Our next ultrasound is a week today (20 week ultrasound!!!). I am beyond excited for it. Hopefully the Fledgling will not be shy (or naughty!) and hide her/his goods from the technician. The lame thing is that the technician will not tell you the sex of the baby then and there so we have to wait 3 business days for my midwife to get the ultrasound results before we can know. She knows how excited we are to find out the sex of the baby though so she said she would call us asap. But we will be able to see the baby and make sure it is all healthy and intact and perfect and lovely so that is more than enough for us!

I finally have energy again which is awesome. I am back to working full time and am feeling like doing stuff on my days off. Today I went through my closet and dresser and got rid of a bunch of stuff that will never fit me again (didn't fit me for quite a while before I got pregnant so I don't think it's going to fit me after!). I also organized a drawer for the Fledgling in my dresser until I can get the dresser from my mum. I folded all the tiny clothes and stuff I have knit and it looks so cute all together! I put in a request for a 3-bedroom townhouse today at our complex so hopefully something will come up in the near future. I can't wait to decorate for the Fledgling!

Next post I will hopefully have gratuitous shots of the Fledgling flashing her/his goods to show you all!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Baby at the End of the Rainbow

I am starting to get really excited about the baby I get to have at the end of this journey. For so long the focus was just on getting pregnant. It took so long I started to think that would never actually happen. When it finally did, I was so scared that something would happen to the baby. I was terrified until I saw the ultrasound & heard the heartbeat. I also felt horribly sick most of the time for the first 12 weeks or so and could not get any enjoyment out of being pregnant. Now I am in my 16th week and have kicked the first trimester's ass and I am feeling great! I am starting to show and have been enjoying the comfort of maternity pants! I am finally "feeling pregnant" as opposed to just feeling sick and panicky and worried. I am feeling like a mum-to-be and am preparing for my role.

My co-pregnant lady Heather had her baby last week. She was due October 31 but her water didn't break until the afternoon of November 10th. I headed over on the ferry as soon as I could and got to the hospital at midnight. Due to her testing positive for Group B Strep the doctors decided to induce her when labour didn't start past her water breaking. After a long long long night and day (with only an hour or so of sleep) she was still only at 6 cm! Poor girl. I was there in the capacity of a doula (haven't actually started my training but have been studying) and did what I could to make her more comfortable and have less pain. I tried to focus her on her breathing as well as rubbed her wherever she was sore and held her hand through the contractions. It was quite the experience and I am glad I was there for her. There are things I wish I could have done more of (learned better relaxation techniques, helped her focus more) but all in all I found it a positive experience from my end. I don't really think she felt the same though! By the end of her labour (around 3 pm Nov 11) she was frustrated and tired and angry and scared. She went in for a C-Section at about 4 pm. I had to leave by 6 to catch the ferry back home so I only got to see her for about 3 minutes or so and I didn't get to see Heather after that. Hopefully I can go back for a visit soon.

Heather's labour really helped me decide on a lot of things I want for my labour. I have some experience with meditation and focusing my mind on my goals (mostly due to spell work) and I would like to develop that further. I also really want to get a copy of "Birthing from Within" and would like to take the birth class based on the book. I signed up for my pre-natal classes through the Public Health Department today which will start in February. They are pretty basic though so I really want to explore more options for coping with pain and getting the most out of the labour and birth.

16 Weeks, 3 Days

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Baby Kitty

Crazy things happen when James is home from work. The part that amazes me is that Spike actually let him do this and then posed for pictures, hat and all.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Ultrasound #2

I forgot to mention in my last post that my next ultrasound is scheduled for December 11. That will be just past my 20 week mark and we will be able to find out the sex!!! Not sure about elsewhere but in Canada they are not allowed to tell you the sex before 20 weeks (basically because you can't abort past 20 weeks and some people might want to terminate if the sex is not what they want). So hopefully the Fledgling will behave and not be shy and will show us the goods!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Heartbeat V.2

I had my third midwife appointment the other day. At 13.5 weeks things are going along smoothly. The best part about the appointment was getting to hear The Fledgling's heartbeat on the Doppler. When we went in for the ultrasound I didn't actually hear the heartbeat, I just saw it on the monitor. So this was the first time I had actually heard it. It was the coolest thing ever!! It sounded like people in a tunnel talking or something crazy and sci-fi like that. James was supposed to come with me to the appointment but he couldn't get out of work in time so we called him and put the mic up to the phone and he got to hear it too! How awesome is that that with modern technology he could hear his baby's heartbeat across town?! If I close my eyes I can picture the beautiful sound perfectly. It is so wonderful.

My body is definitely changing now. I looked down in the shower the other day and the veins in my breasts were so dark my boobs were blue! Of course I freaked out for a second and then realized that that is perfectly normal, especially since I have such fair skin. James is obsessed with my tummy. There is definitely a baby there now! So cool. It's still not really noticeable to others but I love it and can't stop patting and rubbing it.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Clothes!! (13 Weeks Pregnant)

My tummy has started to bulge a tiny bit (still nothing noticeable to others since I have a bit "extra" in that area anyways). I went to a couple thrift stores yesterday and bought my first 2 pair of maternity pants! Woo hoo! They are so comfortable I never want to wear anything else ever again. One pair was $5 (black velvety flared jeans-style) and the other was $12 (brown stretchy flared cords). Not bad considering I was looking at Thyme Maternity the other day and their pants were all at least $50 (their jeans were $70!!!). I still want to get a pair of jeans but there are a bunch more thrift stores in town that I can try and I'm sure to find something. For now, I'd like to get a Bella Band so I can wear my jeans a little bit longer (they're baggy everywhere else except the waist so even if I grow elsewhere they should be fine).

I'm still on my baby knitting frenzy (although I'm trying to get some Christmas gifts done in between). I made another pair of legwarmers and a cute litle elf hat out of some rainbow yarn that I am absolutely in love with. The yarn is so fabulous I think I'll make a toddler-sized hoodie out of it as well. I attempted to make the OpArt baby blanket yesterday but I just didn't like it. I want something special but something that I don't have to pay a lot of attention to as I'm knitting (I like to knit and watch TV) and that just wasn't going to happen with the OpArt Blanket. I found another blanket that I'm in love with and I started it last night in the softest red and black yarn. It's going to be fabulous!!! The pattern has skulls on it (which I think is pretty cute but James doesn't like for a baby blanket) so I'm going to do stars instead which will be even more awesome.
Rainbow Elf Hat & Leggies:

Checkered Baby Blanket:
(my version will be black & red with white stars)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Feeling Better

My cold or flu or whatever seemed to go away with lots of rest. I'm still not perfect but I managed to get out of bed today, get dressed, and go visit some family! Way to go me!

I bought my first article of maternity clothing today. It's not technically intended for maternity but it'll work. It's a super comfy, super stretchy thin black hoodie that will grow with me. I plan on wearing it every day for the next 6 months. My quest for non-hideous maternity jeans didn't go as well. I figured as much though, as I was in Walmart. I'll have to venture out to the rest of the mall when the time comes that I don't fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans and go to the dreaded Thyme Maternity.

I finished the Fledgling's booties. I still have a bunch of the blueberry yarn left over so I'm knitting a hat to match.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I'm Sick

Grrr.... the morning sickness is pretty much gone, only to be replaced with THE FLU! I started feeling icky Saturday night and now (Tuesday morning) still feel like a bag of crap. I have pretty much been spending my days eating, sleeping and knitting. I finished the Fledgling's legwarmers and have started on a matching pair of booties. I should probably go to the doctor but I just don't have the energy or patience to sit in a doctor's office waiting room. Grrr...

The Fledgling's Legwarmers:

Saturday, October 10, 2009

11 Weeks

Things are going pretty well. I have been feeling better for about a week. I went to Vancouver for my friend's Halloween Baby shower which was an absolute blast. We ate junk, did crafts, and all the non-pregnant folks drank booze. She got lots of prezzies and it was a success.

In other not so happy news, while I was in Vancouver I attended a memorial for my friend's 8 week old niece. Taryn was diagnosed with a heart problem while in-utero and underwent multiple surgeries on her heart in her short lifetime. She was well on the road to recovery until a day before she would have been 8 weeks. Things took a horrible turn and she didn't make it. They're still not entirely sure what happened and will have to perform an autopsy which could take a couple months to get the results. The memorial was really beautiful. My friend and her sister (Taryn's mama) put together a beautiful tribute full of photos and flowers and videos. I can't imaging the pain they are going through. To have Taryn for such a short time and to think that she was going to recover. I just can't fathom it. It was absolutely heartbreaking to watch them.

The Fledgling is doing well. I of course got paranoid that something had happened when I no longer felt ill every moment of the day but I had reached the 10 week point and I think that's pretty standard for the morning sickness to decrease. I'm still not feeling absolutely perfect. I don't have to eat quite as often and I can eat a little more at a time but if I'm not careful I can feel quite gross. I hadn't been able to take my pre-natal vitamin for a few weeks -- every time I took it I felt nauseous. Luckily I had been taking it for about 9 months before I got pregnant though so some of the vitamins are stored in my body and the folic acid was in my system when I conceived and when the baby's spinal column was forming. I took a vitamin the other day and promptly threw it up about 20 minutes later. That was the first time I had actually thrown up and I have to say I didn't enjoy it.

My body is definitely changing. The casual observer wouldn't notice but James is obsessed with the size of my boobs and I am obsessed with how much they hurt (it doesn't help that I have excema on them right now which is making me miserable). My tummy has also started to bulge a tiny bit. Nothing visible to others except James and me but it is making it feel so much more real!

My lovely friend Dawn gave me a bunch of baby stuff the other day including clothes, a breast pump (yeah!!), some maternity bras, and a feeding pillow. I have also had offers from other friends to lend me their baby's clothes. I don't have a lot of money so every bit helps. I'm so lucky to have generous friends.

I finally finished the baby blanket for my friend and am able to knit for the Fledgling now! So far I have knit a tiny little hat (along with 2 other hats for friends) and am working on a little pair of legwarmers. I hear that baby legwarmers are perfect for wearing with a onesie and for diaper changes. S/he will be a Spring baby so I'm knitting them in a bamboo-blend yarn which will keep her/him warm but also allow for breathing. I found the blanket pattern I'd like to knit for the Fledgling and am excited for pay day to go buy some yarn.

Purple Newborn Hat for the Fledge:

Beginning of The Fledge's Leggwarmies:

Newborn Hat for Molly:

Molly's Blanket:

Pumpkin Hat for Gavriel:

Pattern Pic (not my own work) for The Fledgling's Blanket:
(I'll be knitting it in black and red)

Saturday, September 26, 2009


I am hungry. All the time. Except when I am full.

This seems to be the course of my days. All I think about is food. I wake up hungry and nauseous (although not as bad as the last couple of weeks). I eat something. I am immediately full after eating half of whatever it is. I wait a bit. Then I'm hungry again. According to everything I read, this is totally normal. I've been trying to make sure there are protein & complex-carb foods around at all times (brown rice, chocolate milk, granola bars, toast & pb). My cravings so far have been for Subway (veggie with extra cheese and ranch dressing on their fabulous new flat breads) and Taco Bell (7 layer Burrito with 3 packs of mild sauce). Luckily Taco Bell is on the other end of town because if I was eating it as much as I wanted to I would be in trouble (I certainly don't need anything else making me feel gassy and bloated, the baby has that covered). James thinks I should get a job at Subway until I go on mat leave so that I can eat all the Subway I want (I have to admit it's tempting).

Anyhoo, that's my day. Sleep, eat, eat, sleep, eat, eat, eat, sleep...

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Fledgling Has a Heartbeat!!

I had my dating ultrasound today!! There is a heartbeat and a perfect little baby (almost an inch!) growing exactly where it is supposed to be. Since my cycle is so weird (I ovulate later than most) my midwife wanted to be able to get a better idea of exactly how old it is. Apparently it is 8 weeks 4 days which puts the due date at May 1! I get a Beltane baby! I can't wait. This year at the Beltane ritual I attended I jumped over the fire and wished for my baby and now it is on its way and will be born around that time next year.

The ultrasound technician was really sweet. I hoped she would jump up and down and scream "OMG THERE'S A HEARTBEAT" but of course she sees it every day so I was actually pretty impressed with her excitement for me.

It feels so much more real now. Even though I have had all the pregnancy symptoms and no miscarriage symptoms, I was scared. I was afraid it would be ectopic (even though there was no sign of this) or that there wouldn't be a heartbeat. But there's a baby and a heartbeat and it was moving and it is beautiful. I can't believe that in 7 months I am going to have a baby!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Kitty is Back (but with him came nausea)

My boy is back! I still can't believe it. We got a call Saturday night from a couple who had had him for the last 3 weeks. They saw my poster at SPCA when they were going in to have one of their cats put down. I can't get over the chances of them seeing the poster and them actually calling us. So now I don't have to name the baby Spike.

I've told Spike all about the baby and I pretend he's interested. It's going to be a huge adjustment for him since he sleeps with mummy and daddy and won't be able to once baby comes. Our other cats could care less what happens in the house as long as they get food and water and the occasional cream but Spike follows James around the house everywhere he goes (bathroom included) and sleeps on me.

My other excitement is that "morning sickness" has started. I had some tummy rumbles for the last couple weeks but the nausea kicked full in this weekend. All I wanted to do was stay in bed all weekend but my best friend was visiting so I had to entertain him instead. He and James drank lots of beer on Saturday night and I was the one who woke up feeling like I had a hangover. I swore to myself that I wouldn't complain during my pregnancy (wishful thinking!) after all it took me to get here. But this baby is kicking my ass. I had to work at 7AM this morning and thought I was going to puke the whole time. I have always loved the smell of coffee but now it makes me incredibly nauseous (not great working in a cafe) and my body has also decided that I can no longer drink it either.

All in all though, my kitty returning and the fact that I am having a baby makes for the happiest I have ever been in my life. Even the horrible nausea is oddly comforting because it means my little Fledgling is growing and taking over. I wouldn't trade that for anything. xo

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Crackers are a Girl's Best Friend

The nausea seems to have started. I was having tummy upsets last week but now I seem to only be able to eat a tiny bit at a time. I remember when Nena said crackers on your nightstand were the way to go so I bought some yesterday and they have been living in my purse. Definitely helping. No vomiting for me though, I seem to get the opposite (sorry... tmi?) and gas that James says "makes soldiers across town stand at attention". Thanks babe. I felt so gross yesterday that I couldn't eat and when I got home I was dead hungry. James had ordered a cheese pizza and Caesar salad (my favorite food in the world). I ate so much that I couldn't move and I passed out! Awesome!!

I had my first midwife appointment on Monday. It was great. She is such a wonderful woman. The perfect blend of hippie Goddess lady and medical professional. Her office is at her house and my appointment lasted for an entire hour. Her office is full of pictures of all the babies she has birthed -- I LOVED IT! She asked me my medical history and all that but she also talked to me about how I was feeling emotionally. We decided on an ultrasound Sept 25 to better estimate the due date and then another one at 20 weeks to see how the babe is and to find out the sex. She's a big supporter of natural birth but she is also practical and supports using medications and Caesareans if necessary.

Another great thing about my appointment is that Jenn told me about the birth rooms at the hospital I will be delivering at. Apparently they just had a multi-million dollar upgrade done to them. Each room is private with a shower and tub and a mini fridge! It's like a holiday. Just kidding!!!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Panic at the Baby Store

I was so excited about going to Babies R Us. I had felt like it was a place I was either not allowed to go to or that I would feel bad about going to before I was pregnant. We headed over yesterday and I ended up having a minor panic attack. There was so much stuff. So many things that you apparently have to buy or YOUR BABY IS GOING TO DIE!! I lasted about 20 minutes before we had to leave. James grabbed a catalog on our way out though.

When I got home I perused the catalog and realized that so much of the stuff I was seeing at the store is not actually stuff I'm at all interested in. There are a few big ticket items (stroller, car seat, bassinet/co-sleeper, breast pump) we'll need but I think our family will take care of them (mum already said she'd get the bed). I think I was just overwhelmed by all the choices. There were at least 20 strollers, 30 car seats, 15 breast pumps, and on and on and on. I can't seem to figure out why one car seat would cost $99 and another would cost $300. They aren't going to make a car seat that's unsafe right? So why do I need to even think about spending $300 on one if the $99 one is just as effective.

Then there were the brands. Evenflo, Eddie Bauer, Graco... There are just so many. And then there are the "child advertising" type items as well. Why does everything have to have Dora, Winnie the Pooh or Disney Princesses on it? If it doesn't have one of those brands on it then it is pink or blue. I have no plans to raise my child gender neutral but I also have no plans to have everything pink or blue. And why does a child need a Dora the Explorer potty? Does peeing with Dora make it easier? At least there was no Hannah Montana on the baby stuff.

Anyhoo, I'll have to make another trip to Babies R Us so we can make our registry. I think next time I go though I will be armed with information. I plan to do my research on strollers, breast pumps, car seats/strollers/travel systems and maybe have some sort of idea what we want.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Vampire Baby

No, I don't think this is what my baby will look like. But it's just so damn cute!

eta: James outed us publicly on Facebook today so I posted this picture as my profile. I think it's totally appropriate. xo

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I was seeing an OB-GYN to figure out why we weren't getting pregnant. I made a pre-natal appointment with her for Sept 16 which seems SO FAR AWAY (welcome to the world of waiting for you baby, Kat). I don't actually want her to deliver my baby anyhow though, I have always wanted a midwife. In Canada (or BC at least) your birth is covered by a doctor or a midwife either way so I feel incredibly lucky.

I always thought that my friend's mum would be my midwife. She was the first midwife I ever met and she's an amazing witchy woman. She's a wild hippie lady (sometimes a little too wild though!) but a total sweetheart. Well, it turns out that she is the midwife from James' youngest son's birth. It might sound totally catty but I don't want the same midwife as his ex-wife. I'm not comfortable with that at all and I think my baby's birth is something I need to be totally comfortable during.

So I consulted my local mamma friends and got a recommendation for a lady named Jen. And I have an appointment with her on Monday!!!! I am so excited. She's actually a customer at the cafe I used to work at. I remember her being really sweet but really shy. I spoke to her on the phone though and she seemed lovely. So I'll have an update on my baby way sooner than I expected. i am so excited!!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sharing the News

So far I have told everyone who matters (and then maybe a few more). I really wanted to wait but we just couldn't hold it in. We've been trying for so long that a lot of my friends know when my period is due and they start asking questions around that time. So far I've made 2 friends cry on the phone, my mum screamed and squealed and kept saying "thank you" and my dad celebrated by getting super drunk and repeatedly toasting me with champagne while I drank a nice mug of water.

We went over to my mum's because she had some stuff for us (well for the baby!). She got some tiny little socks, a rattle and a beautiful book, Teeny Tiny Baby. She was so cute and proud and asked me a million questions about how I'm feeling.

After mum's we went for dinner at my dad's house for my step-grandmother's 85th birthday. We told everyone our news and they didn't seem as excited as I thought they would be. I then sat through 4 hours of being told what I should and should not do (my name choices are bad, I shouldn't find out the sex, and I can go ahead and drink the whole time. Hmm... I think I'll just stick with my own decisions thank you very much). I eventually couldn't take it anymore and pretended I wasn't feeling well so we made our exit.

James got a little tipsy at my dad's (I'm the drinker in the family but he's taking over while I'm out of commission). We went to Walmart after dinner at my dad's to look at baby stuff. I know it's crazy early to be buying anything but I wanted to get something myself for my baby. I picked out a super cute newborn size white sleeper with an embroidered bear sleeping surrounded by stars and moons and hearts. James then proceeded to walk it down the aisle at Walmart (pretending there ws a baby walking in it) telling anyone who would listen that I am pregnant. I was hugely embarrassed but he was so proud and so cute that I couldn't help laughing. The cashier was laughing so hard I thought she'd cry. Then on the ride home he held the sleeper on his chest and cuddled it and talked to it the whole time.

I seem to have adjusted my sleep patterns already. I've always gone to bed ridiculously late and woken up equally late. The past 2 nights I've been in bed by 10 and asleep by 11. I can't seem to sleep past 8:30 (I generally sleep until at least noon if I don't have any reason to get up). It could also help that I'm only drinking one cup of coffee a day now so I'm not totally wired.

I'm going to a Chocolate Fountain party at my friend's house tonight. She' one of my fabulous Witchy friends who did a belly blessing for us to get pregnant many months ago. I can't wait to be surrounded by a bunch of fabulous (nontraditional!) women after the onslaught of last night. xo

I finally found my camera and some batteries so here's a pic of the onesie I bought:

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Wow! (CD35, 14DPO)

I didn't sleep much last night. I guess I'll get used to that eventually!
I'm still scared that my period is going to come. I know that's insane since I took 3 positive tests but I am just so used to feeling betrayed by my body that every time I go to the washroom I am afraid to look down. Every twinge in my lower abdomen scares the crap out of me. My breasts are incredibly sore but they are for the week before my period every month so I can't even go with that comfort.
I also had some other panic last night. I have been hoping to get pregnant for so long that it just never seemed like it would actually happen. I was having all these thoughts last night about how everything is out of my control. My body is no longer my body and there is an entire little person growing inside it and taking over. I suffer from severe anxiety so the more I think about something the worse the panic gets. Normally when I feel the panic I take an Ativan or drink chamomile tea but I am so terrified of putting anything into my body right now. I know my antidepressants are safe (Zoloft) so I'll just have to count on them to deal with the chemicals and try to find other ways to calm myself. The new community leisure guide just came out so I'm going to try to get into a yoga class so I can get my body in shape and control my emotions as well.
Going by my Fertility Friend calculator I ovulated 14 days ago so this is still really really early. So my little bundle of cells is most likely 14 days old. My last period started 35 days ago though so I am "technically" 35 days pregnant. Pregnancy math hurts my head though! I can't get into the OBGYN until September 16 so I won't know any details until then. I'm hoping I can get into see my family doctor before that.
My way of dealing with new events/interests is to read everything I possibly can about it. I have been 'collecting' books I want in my Chapters profile for the last year or so (lots of them recommendations from my Married Me ladies). I'm poor though so I requested a bunch from the library. If I fall in love with any of them then I'll buy them after that. The only books they didn't have at the library that I wanted were the Dr Sears books so I think I'll order them.
Anyhoo, that's my news/angst/excitement for the morning.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Fuck Yeah!

I just went for a pee test at the clinic. And it was positive!!!! I can't believe it. I'm trying to get a hold of my Dr right now to set up an appointment to get some info. No details yet but I'm on CD34 so I guess I'm 34 days pregnant? I get confused by baby calculating math. Anyhoo..... I'll write more later. Now I have to go to work and deal with a crummy boss and act like I don't have the most important news in the world!!

Holy Shit! (CD 34, 13DPO)

After I wrote last night I read a friend's blog who was waiting for results from her IUI. I was feeling inspired so I took a test.

There's a line!

I couldn't sleep for hours after that. It's a faint line but it's there. I can't believe it. James is trying not to get too exited. I just woke up and took another test.

There's another line!!

This one is still pretty faint but there is no doubt that it's there. This seriously could be it. I could be pregnant! Going to try to sleep some more and go to a clinic for a blood test later. xo

Thursday, August 20, 2009

2WW Continued (CD 33, 12 DPO)

The wait is killing me. It kills me every month. I was thinking today about how many 2WW's I have endured. We started throwing caution to the wind a couple months before our wedding (June 21, 2008 if yr interested) so it's been about 15 cycles. I wasn't charting the whole time or actually "trying" the whole time but we were having unprotected sex whenever we felt like it. So 15 cycles of 2WW's is ummm...... let me get out my calculator.... is 210 days of waiting for my period. And that's assuming my 2ww is actually 14 days, in actuality it's usually 16-18. And then there's those months where my body decides to ovulate late so I end up feeling like I'm waiting even longer because my cycle turns into 35 days or so and I'm just waiting to ovulate already and stop having to have sex on demand. So come on already! Hasn't my time come!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

3 Posts in One Day? I must be a sucker for pain. (CD31 cont...)

One would think that on CD31 you could start getting excited about a late period or at least thinking about the possibility of a positive EPT. Well, nope! Not here! My period used to be every 28 days. For as long as I can remember. Then I decided to "start trying". That month my cycle was 35 days. Hmmm..... it's gone on from there anywhere between 29 and 44 days (I'm thinking the 44 day month was either stress of a miscarriage. Can't be sure). But now thanks to FF and the glory of ovulation 'piss strips' I have a general idea of when I ovulated.
So silly me, I was having a rotten day yesterday so I decided to perk myself up with a BIGFUCKINGNEGATIVE EPT. Yeah me! Do I know how to have fun or what? So now we wait another couple of days where I wonder if every pain, twinge, or mood swing is PMS or Pregnancy.

Wait a Sec....

It just dawned on me that maybe my extra grumpy/sad mood today is PMS! Yeah me! Haven't had any of the wonderful sore boobs I get every month though, maybe they'll come tomorrow!

Still Waiting (CD31, 10DPO)

I took an EPT yesterday and got a big fat negative. I must have stared at it for about 5 minutes willing it to change colour. I knew that it was likely too early for a positive (only 9 DPO) but it still sucks. I had been having such a horrible day (still looking for Spike, almost getting a ticket from the cops because james and I both have expired licences, a stressful 1.5 hour job interview, and a sad/grumpy husband) and I had the mentality of "c'mon Fates, give us something good". Ha! Silly, silly me. So then I just felt worse and have continued to all day today. Yippee!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Waiting (CD 26, 5DPO)

Generally around CD 26 I'd be getting antsy to start taking EPTs but of course my silly body had to wait until CD21 (!!!) to ovulate. Grrr! Fertility Friend is telling me to wait until CD38 (seriously!?) to test. I think I'll probably make it to CD30 or 31. I've been feeling some twinges in my abdomen which I'm hoping is a tiny little baby making itself at home but I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this month. We were doing so well with the sex-timing until Spike went missing. If Fertility Friend is right and I didn't ovulate until CD21 then we might have missed it but if I ignore those facts (silly temp shifts, OPKs and fertile CM) and hope that I ovulated earlier then maybe we have a chance.
Still no kitty. My heart is broken. If I conceive this month I'll name the baby Spike. I miss him so much. xo

Monday, August 10, 2009

If We Don't Get Pregnant this Month, I'm Blaming the Cat (CD 23, 2DPO)

He's still missing. It's been a week. We have searched and searched but still no luck. Our hearts hurt and even though we know we should be having sex we can't bear to. Then I slammed my finger in the car door last night. Nothing like excruciating pain and 2 hours in the ER to get you in the mood. You happy now Spike? You get to stay the baby for one more month!
My fertile CM is gone and my temp started to rise this morning. I guess it's the start of the 2WW.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me (CD 20)

We had the least romantic sex ever last night. I've never more felt less like having sex. My kitty is missing and I can't stop crying. But the show must go on. Poor James, I started crying half way through. This is the crappiest birthday ever. xo

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Woo Hoo (but with sarcasm) (CD19)

My fertile CM decided to make an appearance. Good news in deed. Bad news is that my cat is missing and I can't stop crying long enough to have sex with my husband. Maybe if I drink enough wine coolers I'll get in the mood... or at least pass out and give my husband permission to have his way with me. Ah romance. What a lovely way for a child to be conceived. xo

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Keep on Keeping On (CD 17)

My body seems a little confused right now. I had what appeared to be a positive OPK on CD 14 but haven't really had any fertile CM. I stopped recording my temperature last month since it seemed to be pretty consistent and I was assured that I am ovulating. I'm trying not to obsess too much but I've been taking my temp for the past week so I could pin-point ovulation and it's been all over the place. It could be that we're having a ridiculous heat-wave and James has been waking up at 4:30AM for work so I wake up early every morning, sleep a couple more hours, and then wake up later. Either way, we're having lots of sex so we're doing all we can. xo

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Dreams (CD 15)

My Auntie Pat called my mum this morning to ask how I was. My mum hasn't told my aunt that we are trying to get pregnant. My aunt said she had a dream last night that I had a little baby girl. My aunt has often had prophetic dreams so I'm taking this as a good sign. Also, I should be ovulating in the next few days and then we have the "2WW" (two week wait). I'm feeling pretty good about this month. I have less stress, we've figured out where the problem most likely lies and although we haven't yet done anything to combat the problem I'm feeling really optimistic. xo

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Fears (CD 12)

Now that I know where the problem is stemming from and that pregnancy might be in my near future I am starting to get scared about the actual pregnancy. I read somewhere once that having a child is like taking your heart and putting it on the outside of your body. I've thought about that a lot and I hope I am ready for it. I'm not scared about the baby part or the birth part or even the pregnancy part (although I know I will be later!); I'm scared about losing a pregnancy. After over a year of trying to get pregnant and never seeing the faintest pink line, what happens if *IT* happens and I lose it? I think I've been hoping so much to just *get* pregnant that I haven't been thinking about the whole *staying pregnant* issue. I'm afraid that my body doesn't want a baby or won't be able to keep it and nurture it. I know that most miscarriages are due to the baby not being healthy enough to survive but my fear is that my body isn't healthy enough to keep a baby.

Lame (CD 12)

James' conversation with the doctor yesterday:
Doctor: So, Kathleen doesn't drink much does she?
James: Uh.... no... just socially occasionally...

Yeah right! How are you supposed to get through the disappointment and let down every month (not to mention a bloody hot summer!) without wine coolers? I've known all along that I should quit the drink in order for my conception chances to increase but I was reading yesterday that even 2-4 drinks/week can affect fertility and take a year longer to get pregnant! WTF! Ugh.... I knew I'd quit drinking the second I found out I was pregnant but do I have to give it up so soon?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Good News (CD 11)

James got his test results back and we finally have some answers! Apparently he has an above average amount of not good sperm (aka 2 heads, 2 tails, whatever...) and a below average amount of good sperm (aka super-awesome-baby-making). Yeah, that's bad news. The good news is that he has a way above average amount of sperm (and spunk in general, apparently the doctor was impressed). It looks like the retarded sperm are getting in the way of the super-sperm and that is why we're not getting pregnant. We still don't have my results back but since the specialist didn't call me I'm taking that as good news. James has a prescription for 2 weeks to see if that helps at all (not quite sure what it's for) and then he has to get a second analysis done and see if there's an improvement. I don't know what the next step is after that but the doctor seems hopeful that there is a bunch of really good sperm hidden in there if we have to do an IUI in the future. Woo hoo!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Silly Boys (CD 10)

James thinks I got pregnant last night. I tried to explain to him that for a woman with a 30-33 day cycle who usually ovulates between CD17 and CD20 that intercourse on CD9 is most likely just recreational/practice. He doesn't care. He's convinced. I don't agree with him but I like his confidence. He said, "we can still have sex every other day until you ovulate and then after you ovulate but it doesn't matter -- you're pregnant". His confidence gives me strength. I love him so much. xo
ps: I knew it was too early but I took an ovulation test anyways. It was negative. But I love to see the pale blue line slowly build throughout the beginning of my cycle until the monstrously triumphant bright blue surge on Ovulation Day. I'm happy to know that I ovulate. Makes me feel proud that I'm doing something right.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Is it wrong that I wish I was 8 months pregnant already so I could go on maternity leave and quit my job? Hmm..... not the best intentions for baby-making. I want to be a housewife.

Blah.... (CD6)

Is it seriously only cycle day 6??? It's too early for baby-making sex and too early to start my Ovulation Test strips. Trying to make a baby takes a whole lot of waiting and frustration.

As a bonus though we have the house to ourselves tonight, a case of Bud Light Lime, and I'm feeling a little frisky. Happy Birthday Eve James!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Grrrrrr!!! (CD 5)

James got a call this morning from the specialist. They got his semen analysis results and want to set up an appointment with him.... IN SEPTEMBER!!! Are you serious? They're going on holiday tomorrow and the next appointment is for September 3 so we are supposed to wait out the rest of the summer for results. They of course aren't permitted to share test results over the phone (it's a law in Canada, not sure about elsewhere) and since they're not open until the end of August there's no chance of getting in sooner.
Then I had an epiphany. When I went to get a prescription filled at my doctor (my GP) the other day he had my test results from my CD21 bloodwork and was able to share them with me. Conveniently James and I share a doctor (by coincidence, apparently it was meant to be!) so I knew that he would be able to get the results as well. James called our doctor and has an appointment set up for next Wednesday -- way better than September!
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to find out. It's possible that his sperm is perfect and ready to go and make a baby but I think most likely there is a problem and that is why he needs his own appointment with my OB/GYN. Part of me is secretly wishing that the problem lies with James' sperm and that my body is perfectly healthy and ready to make a baby. Is that horrible? I suppose that it all works out to be the same but I just want some relief from the betrayal of my body that I have been feeling. I think also, that if the problem does lie with James that our chances of conceiving through some other means (most likely IUI or as a last result with donor sperm) will be higher. Or maybe I'm just a selfish bitch who is holding on to the chance that my body is ok and that I will never have to use a donor egg or a surrogate. Hmmm... lots to think about over the next week. xo

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"A Little Pregnant" {no not me!!} (CD 4)

Nothing new or exciting today except that I started reading A Little Pregnant last night. What a fabulous blog. I adore her totally inappropriate humour. Sometimes that's the only way you can deal with disappointment. I'm not at the point where I have tried IUI or IVF but if/when I do I'm glad that I have her blog to read.
James started (and is 1/2 way through!) The Conception Chronicles. I'm so proud of him. I wanted him to get a better grasp of how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way and now he's a little closer to understanding the betrayal and disappointment I feel with my body and myself.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Testing Testing... (CD 3)

I had my Cycle Day 3 tests done today (FSH, Estrogen, LH and some other stuff I have no idea what it does). Nothing too horrific. I love tattoos but damn I hate needles. I have a nice bruise forming on my arm thanks to my mum's blood disorder but besides that all was well. I had my CD 21 tests done last cycle and it turns out that I am in fact ovulating so that was pretty great news. James went in for his "donation" yesterday so I guess we'll hear about that pretty soon as well. My HSG has been post-poned until at least the end of August because my doctor is going on vacation! Grrr!!! I hate to wait. If I'm going to have to go on any medications or have treatments of any kind, I'd like to get going on them as soon as possible. I'm not getting any younger here and I'm just getting more anxious!
I finished reading The Conception Chronicles this evening. I would highly recommend this book to any woman experiencing difficulty conceiving. I was starting to feel like I was really alone and that I was losing my mind but this book really brought my feelings and experiences all together with a whole lot of humour thrown in. Thanks ladies for helping me regain my sanity. It was partly thanks to this book that I decided to start chronicling my adventures in baby making. Already I feel better having just written 2 blogs. Even if no one ever reads them I feel so much better just getting it all out and sharing it.

I was in a shop yesterday (Dragonspace on Granville Island in Vancouver) and I came across this picture. I swear that it is my baby. I have had this image in my mind of what my girl will look like and this is her (I already have 2 step-sons so I'm hoping for a girl). I know that sounds crazy but she looks like a combination of me and my youngest step-son. Crazy yeah, but also something to hold on to. I am happy when I look at her and I feel like she is a little more real. Maybe she won't look like that but when the time comes it won't matter. This image is helping me through it by being there with me and I love her. xo

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Middle of the Beginning (CD 2)

I thought it was about time I had somewhere to chronicle my baby-seeking ventures. I am 28 years old and my husband (38) and I have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for the past year. Ah yes.... the big "TTC for a Year" marker that I hoped I would never reach. All the get pregnant/fertility books list infertility as "the inability to get pregnant after a year of unprotected sex" so I have now reached that point. We finally had an appointment with a specialist and have started our testing so we are now on the next step of our journey. I don't need any judgment here, I'm not perfect. I am doing my best though and I need somewhere to get everything out so that I can stop driving my friends crazy. xo